Top Ten Life Hacks for Climbers For 2017
It’s 2017 Rock Jocks and Chalk Hounds. That means, above all, a new year to send your proj’s – most notably, life itself. But how?!
Life is so hard, and really complicated, and who knows what’s around the bend… So go ahead and simple down with these TEN AWESOME LIFE HACKS FOR CLIMBERS!
10. Cut ties with your parents. Here’s the thing about parents – they probably don’t live in vans and conveniently appear and disappear at the crag when you want them to. That’s super inconvenient. How much time, $$$, and energy have you wasted going home for holidays, calling them when you could be sending, or writing emails? Not worth it. (Unless you have a trust fund – then, stay in touch bare minimum amount necessary to keep cashing in).
9. Poop where/how you want to poop. Have you guys noticed how UPPITY some climbers seem to get about fecal matter? Seriously, WHO CARES? It’s not like you’re pooping at the base of the climb or something. Just walk away a few yards, duck behind a boulder, do your business, and get on with it. Everybody poops. Can’t we all just agree to leave it (and a liberal helping of TP) conveniently a few yards away from where we climb?
8. Curate all your social media accounts to be climbing-centric. Siblings, high school friends, aunts and uncles, cousins – what do they all have in common? Well, if they don’t climb, they’re all polluting your worldview with their mundane-ass shit when you’re trying to harvest some more stoke/psyche from the interwebs. Shit is just getting in the way. Seriously. Cut.
7. Don’t pay camping fees (or comply with any land-manager rules, for that matter). Do I even need to explain this? Camping fees are for NON-CLIMBERS. Seriously. Climbers are, like, anarchists and rebels, you know? What are the land managers gonna do if you don’t follow the rules? Kick you out? If so, just slash their tires, poop on your sacred crags, and move on to the next spot to defile. Duh.
6. Break up with whoever you’re dating. Look, dating is cool and all, if you want something other than climbing in your life, but let’s be honest, significant others get in the way more than parents. Besides, what if they want to pop out babies? Is that baby gonna belay you? Is that baby gonna buy PBRs? Is that baby gonna hang the draws? Not likely. Cut.
5. Quit donating to pointless organizations like the Access Fund. Ok, I know they CLAIM to do all this good stuff, but what has AF actually done? In fact, what has anyone actually ever done? We don’t need people to protect our access to the places we love to climb, all we need is to be more anarchistic and Valley Uprising’y. Like, you know, Honnold, you lost. Smoke more weed, do more drugs, drink more, litter, do whatever you want, and tell authority to suck it. We’re climbers, climbers do what they want. Stand tall and proud, friends, we don’t have to play by anyone’s rules.
4. Definitely don’t vote. Expanding on #5 – this should be a no-brainer. In fact, if you ARE going to vote, just vote for the candidate you LEAST like because you think it’s funny. All that talk about the Public Land Heist, and Land Transfer legislation, and, you know, selling off our public lands to big business – everybody knows that shit isn’t ACTUALLY going to happen. As climbers, we are probably privileged, probably white, probably middle-class, probably straight, and (let’s be honest) probably male. Nothing ever goes wrong for us, so who cares, it’s not like they’re going to shut down Yosemite or Bishop or Hueco or Indian Creek… And if they do, we’ll just colonize some other zone and not vote there, too. There’s always Mars, anyway. Splitters for aeons.
3. Spray about your favorite place in order to boost your social media followers, then complain about overcrowding. Look, here’s the thing. If you DON’T spray – you’re losing to someone who does. So go ahead, and blow it up. That said, if you blow it up and then don’t complain, how will anyone know that you are OG? Gotta rep hard if you want that street cred. Let ’em know you were crushing that sick V4 in the Milks back BEFORE it was cool. Try some ironic hashtags, such as #notverybusytoday and #themountainsarecallingandallthesebitchesanswered
2. If you see climbers doing something you think reflects on the community poorly, say NOTHING. Let’s get one thing straight: if somebody is doing something questionable, like base-jumping, free-soloing, climbing on private property, using chalk, parking where they shouldn’t, stealing camping, stealing food, using power drills, setting up highlines, dressing fragile formations up as christmas trees, making overtly sexist media, or WHATEVER… Just LOOK THE OTHER WAY. Chances are, they are probably coolerer and more righter than you are, anyway, and if not, then they are definitely more gnarly and badass. So take a lesson from the pros, and just squelch that inner uppity voice that thinks somebody should say something about climbers doing dumb shit.
1. Care about yourself more. Numero uno, the big enchilada, should come as no surprise to any of us. Folks, it’s the 21st century. As Gary Johnson, 2016 libertarian presidential candidate said when asked about the dangers of climate change, “the sun is just going to eventually supernova and swallow the Earth.” Thus, there’s no reason to think about the longterm effects of your actions. Everything is just gonna die anyway. Might as well get yours, send the gnar, and let everyone else fend for themselves.
Alright, friends, I hope that helps you guys! Keep hitting that like and share button, and keep an eye out for me at the crag. I’ll be the guy talking down to you, acting like it’s an insult to have to share the same planet (much less same wall) with you, and basically just posing a lot while playing techno on my tinny speakers loud enough to scare away whatever semblance of nature was left in the “great outdoors”.