Breaking News: New Indian Creek Camping Fees Infuriate Privileged White People
MOAB – According to a recent press release by the Friends of Indian Creek, starting September 1, all campers will have to start paying fees in order to stay at the beloved desert campsites–Superbowl, and Creek Pasture–in Indian Creek, Utah.
“This is a monumental decision,” claimed incensed climber, Dirt McBagger, “how come nobody asked me?” Indeed, that’s the question many privileged white people–I mean, climbers–are asking right now, as they emerge from their #endlesssummer of #livingthedream, heads still hazy, wondering what happened to the “good old days.”
Longtime local, Rocky Pouper, who has been climbing at the Creek for three whole seasons, bemoaned the change in policy. “Back in the day, man, it was just me and my homies, you know? The MAN wasn’t there. We burned way too much wood, threw our trash in the fire, crushed crypto like Boulder Canyon 5.12, and dug two inch catholes and pooped wherever we wanted to.” After a pause, he added, “well, SOMETIMES we dug catholes… Actually, most of the time we just pooped in the BLM toilets that were generously provided free of charge… Somehow every few weeks the poop just disappeared, and new rolls of toilet paper emerged, like magic.”
Although local proponents of conservation in the area–and even some climbers–applaud the BLM’s efforts to control all the humans (and their excrement) through nominal fees, a larger contingent of disgruntled debutantes, trustfunders, and spoiled rotten brats are voicing their strong opposition through social media as we speak.
“The thing is, this is like, where we live,” Polka Hauntus explained, “I mean, we stole this and the rest of the lands in this country fair and square, and now its all of our sole sovereign right to inhabit it for free, and mark our territory with poop and trash and fire rings without having to pay some sort of tax to help clean it up. That’s what the Boston Tea Party was all about, right? Our harbor, our problem. We can toss our trash where we want, and NOBODY has the right to tell us not to.”
Not everybody is effected by this new legislation. Bin-Heer Ferevur put it thusly: “I remember when the first crowds came to SuperBowl. I just moved down a side canyon and pooped and climbed there, instead. I love the solitude. After I establish a new wall, burn some beer cans, and leave cigarette butts, toilet paper and shit everywhere, I post it on mountainproject so the whole community can enjoy my contributions. Then, when the people come, I complain again, and leave again. So it’s kind of full circle, like the circle of life.”
Another noted climber hinted at this ‘just the way it is’ mentality, explaining “this is kind of like a time-tested tradition for climbers and climbing areas, you know? We’ve been doing this a long time. Just look at Thailand. You find a paradise, you publicize it, you overuse and abuse it without ever donating time or money to protecting the resource, then you complain when it gets crowded, move on to the next hot spot, and repeat. That’s, like, how this works. There’s precedent for that.”
On the other hand, it has occurred to a small group of climbers that the best way to protest this would be to self-regulate. “One idea,” offered Anne Onimous, “would be for all of us to pitch in time and money, hiring trucks to come and pump the shit out of the toilets. We could spend one out of every four days (each rest day) cleaning up garbage, working on trail maintenance, and educating other campers on LNT principles. We could spend more time contributing, than complaining!”
For a brief and inspiring moment, Onimous and her friends looked at one another with smiling faces and a look of something approaching comprehension. Then they all started laughing, and busted into another six pack. “Nah,” they agreed, “that’ll never happen!”